I need to clean my house.
I haven’t really cleaned it in a month. I mean, it’s more or less picked up, but it’s not clean. I wouldn’t be embarrassed if one of my good friends came over, but I for sure wouldn’t invite a neighbor in to chat.
It’s a weird thing about the energy of this situation. I’ve got the energy to go to work, but doing anything productive after work is really out of the question. The thought of moving back into life and doing normal adult things is daunting and gives me a sinking feeling in my stomach.
When I had Z around, she took a fair amount of energy. Often in the form of sarcastic groans and dips into my wallet. When she passed, all the energy I was giving to her seems to have gone with her. Logically, it makes no sense.
At this same time, I have an overwhelming need to get a second dog. Part of my identity has been “mother of two”. I have this weird *something* that drives me to maintain that… feeling(?). If I can’t have two daughters, maybe I should have two dogs? Unrefined emotion is hard to communicate. I need to displace that energy. Maybe I should get into pottery instead?
I don’t have the energy to do productive things, my id is compelling me to get into a second dog, I don’t have clean pants, I’m either sad or frustrated or overwhelmed or in denial or I’m none of those things because I’m distracted by restaurant food.
I’m not going to get a second dog. That’s a terrible idea.
I have always wanted a standard poodle. I love poodles. 5 stars, would definitely recommend a poodle. But my house is kind of gross, my car needs to be vacuumed, I want to make 16 kinds of bread on Saturday, I absolutely need to find out about pottery classes, I for sure want to spend the entire day on the couch watching Bob’s Burgers, I have to research dog lessons, I can’t look into her room, I need to look for the items that she borrowed from friends and return them, I have to finish my thank you cards, maybe I need to pull up the carpet in my family room, I hate my couches and I think I can find better ones on Craigslist, I kind of abandoned learning to crochet and I’ve wanted to start trying again – especially now since Z and I learned together two Thanksgivings ago, and I do love making onion soup, and I need to get rid of like half the things in my garage, but none of the things that Z had staged to go to college and I need to come up with a good name for a dog.
When people ask me “how are things going?” the truthful answer is I don’t know. I don’t know because I honestly can’t tell. Nothing is sorted out. I’m just mush on the inside.
The energy that drives my life is a confused, rambling, hot mess.
This whole thing is dumb. 0 stars. Would not recommend. Except for a horse-sized poodle that I’m not going to get.