It has been nearly 5 weeks since I last talked to Z. There is a fog closing in around me.
I went through this after my late husband passed. This fog is different.
When someone in your immediate passes, the first couple of weeks your occupation becomes taking care of the business at hand. Cremate or Casket. Venues. Songs. Readings. Then visits and calls… the calls will extend for a couple of weeks.
Then Thank you cards and personal time. I lay on my couch and take a benedryl because my mind will. not. stop.
But once those firsts start happening, the fog rolls in.
The first funeral I attended since my daughter’s was this past Thursday. I mean, it was a great funeral, but still. I wouldn’t normally have cried, but my tear ducts were primed and ready to go.
The first birthdays arrived this weekend. My para-step-son turned 14. I’m pretty positive it was… not memorable. We didn’t sing. Gifts were not pre-prucahsed, instead my S.O. (protector?) took him to the store and let him buy what he wanted. Jay made his favorite meal at home. We did not take him to the bank to cash the birthday checks from his grandparents.
I spent Saturday on the river in a tube. I went with just my cousin. It was the first time I’ve been tubing since she passed.
Today I went to a birthday party for a six-year-old. I had a beer, skipped the cake and left. There is no crying at a six-year-old’s birthday party.
The fog is all around me. I can’t see clearly. I’m on the edge of tears. I am a little lost.
Lately, I generally don’t know what I want and I am very flaky with plans. I don’t want to go here this afternoon, but if I can’t go there RIGHT NOW then I will cry in the hallway. That’s not like me.
My S.O. (champion?) doesn’t know what to do. He wants to make it better. He wants to help. He can’t help and I’m frustrated when he tries and I’m pissed when he doesn’t. He can not win. He will march forward with me.
When my late husband died, I had the fog. But that fog was different. When he passed I was unemployed (due to a very gracious decision by an excellent General Manager), I was homeless (due to a shitty mortgage company) and I had two small children. I had to move forward because I had no choice. I had responsibilities that would not rest through my grief.
He died on the 4th of July and I remember very clearly the following 4th, watching the fireworks and feeling the fog start to lift. On my drive home, it was almost tangible, the feeling the fog leaving me.
So now, here I am. Again. The fog has settled around me. I’ll make my way because I have to. This fog is far more consuming. My older (operational?) daughter is nearly 20, she doesn’t rely on me like she did. I have a job and a place to live which makes the march forward a little less necessary (?). This time it’s easier to surrender.
I don’t know if I should allow myself to get lost. Is it good for my long game or not? What will I gain by allowing myself to wallow? What happens if the fog is actually quicksand this time and I disappear into it? If I continue marching forward, will I lose grasp on the grief that I need to take in to heal properly?
The fog is neither good nor bad. It just is.
I just need to push through all of these firsts and see what shakes out on the other side.
0 stars. Would not recommend.