Aloe & Moss

On my career track, I’ve here and there been an internal auditor.  Every time I take on the responsibility I have to retrain for whatever quality standard my company is on.  I really enjoy the job and I look forward to taking on that role.

In late July, my company asked me to join the internal auditing team and schedule the requisite training.  I picked the three day training over Oct 17-19.  Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.

Z’s birthday is Oct 18.

I’d completely forgotten about the training dates and asked for a vacation day on her birthday (mostly so I could accomplish some day drinking and sprawl myself into the murk that comes in the fog).  My boss reminded me that I had committed and suggested I reschedule training for December to allow for what will probably be a trying day.

I haven’t yet rescheduled.  I’m busy doing my own internal audit.

If I take the day and reschedule my training, what good will that really do?  I like the job and I’ve been looking forward to this.  I really do want to go.  I’ll be disappointed that I put it off.  If I do not reschedule, will I crumble under the weight of the day? Will I end up having to leave? This is all or nothing. I can’t take a “wait-and-see” approach to this situation.

My cut-off is looming.  Until I’m actually in the day, I won’t know how I’ll react.  I can’t predict my anguish.  I mean, it will be there, but will I be able to solider through the day and then crumble at home? Or will I wake up a general mess?

I do know for certain that I need to make my decision.  Because if I decide to go, I’ll have time to work up the stoic facade and march through coursework.  If I decide to reschedule, I’ll have the day looming ahead, and thus I will have an emotional nose-dive.  If I plan on allowing it in, it will happen.  If I straighten myself up, splash cold water on my face and bury my face into the inevitable power-point, I’ll at least be able to fake it through the day.

When I look back in a year, I know it won’t matter either way.  But with the looming challenge, how much do I want to buttonhole myself?

The fact is, I’ve always been stoic.   It’s what I do.  I buckle up and move along.  I do not bow to a challenge (unless it’s a physical challenge.  I do not come from an athletic people) or cow-tow to emotion.

Maybe it’s too much for me, maybe this mountain is too big.  But, then again, maybe I can stay the course. I doubt myself.

Einey-Meeny-Miney-Moe. Can I catch a tiger by its toe?

I am uncomfortable with my indecisiveness.