On my career track, I’ve here and there been an internal auditor. Every time I take on the responsibility I have to retrain for whatever quality standard my company is on. I really enjoy the job and I look forward to taking on that role.
In late July, my company asked me to join the internal auditing team and schedule the requisite training. I picked the three day training over Oct 17-19. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.
Z’s birthday is Oct 18.
I’d completely forgotten about the training dates and asked for a vacation day on her birthday (mostly so I could accomplish some day drinking and sprawl myself into the murk that comes in the fog). My boss reminded me that I had committed and suggested I reschedule training for December to allow for what will probably be a trying day.
I haven’t yet rescheduled. I’m busy doing my own internal audit.
If I take the day and reschedule my training, what good will that really do? I like the job and I’ve been looking forward to this. I really do want to go. I’ll be disappointed that I put it off. If I do not reschedule, will I crumble under the weight of the day? Will I end up having to leave? This is all or nothing. I can’t take a “wait-and-see” approach to this situation.
My cut-off is looming. Until I’m actually in the day, I won’t know how I’ll react. I can’t predict my anguish. I mean, it will be there, but will I be able to solider through the day and then crumble at home? Or will I wake up a general mess?
I do know for certain that I need to make my decision. Because if I decide to go, I’ll have time to work up the stoic facade and march through coursework. If I decide to reschedule, I’ll have the day looming ahead, and thus I will have an emotional nose-dive. If I plan on allowing it in, it will happen. If I straighten myself up, splash cold water on my face and bury my face into the inevitable power-point, I’ll at least be able to fake it through the day.
When I look back in a year, I know it won’t matter either way. But with the looming challenge, how much do I want to buttonhole myself?
The fact is, I’ve always been stoic. It’s what I do. I buckle up and move along. I do not bow to a challenge (unless it’s a physical challenge. I do not come from an athletic people) or cow-tow to emotion.
Maybe it’s too much for me, maybe this mountain is too big. But, then again, maybe I can stay the course. I doubt myself.
Einey-Meeny-Miney-Moe. Can I catch a tiger by its toe?
I am uncomfortable with my indecisiveness.