I’ve touched on this before, but after my husband passed, I felt really gross when I started dating again.  I felt like I was cheating on him.  Clearly I wasn’t – he was gone – but still.  It gave me the heebie-jeebies.

I’m having a similar situation with Z.  Not that I’m being unfaithful to her, but that I’m not including her when I should be.  Like I cut her away from my family.  Clearly I didn’t – she is gone – but still.  It gives me the heebie-jeebies.

I didn’t invite her to Alabama for Thanksgiving.  I’m not buying her any Christmas gifts.  She won’t have a stocking.  I won’t worry about where she’s going to be for the New Year.

She’s not included in any of these plans and it feels so… I don’t know

When I started seriously dating my partner (bulwark?), there were some adjustments that eased me into the transition.  He became a coworker and then a friend to Joe’s brother.  My brother-in-law talks to my partner on a regular basis.   Joe’s daughter moved in with us for a little while.  These things helped me get over the feeling that I was cheating on my marriage.

I don’t have that with Z.  I won’t ever have a person to ease myself into a different normal.  There won’t be anyone that will take up her station as “daughter” in my life.  There won’t be anyone that I can take from that life into this one that will make it okay, give me a sort-of permission to carry on.

I’m cheating on her.  Like I was cheating on him.  But I can’t cheat on someone that isn’t there.   They aren’t there.  I’m not cheating.  I am not being unfaithful.  This is not infidelity.  This is weird.  I am cheating.  I am unfaithful.  This is gross.

Cheating is always 0 stars.  Would not recommend.




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