Cheating

I’ve touched on this before, but after my husband passed, I felt really gross when I started dating again. I felt like I was cheating on him. Clearly I wasn’t – he was gone – but still. It gave me the heebie-jeebies.

I’m having a similar situation with Z. Not that I’m being unfaithful to her, but that I’m not including her when I should be. Like I cut her away from my family. Clearly I didn’t – she is gone – but still. It gives me the heebie-jeebies.

I didn’t invite her to Alabama for Thanksgiving. I’m not buying her any Christmas gifts. She won’t have a stocking. I won’t worry about where she’s going to be for the New Year.

She’s not included in any of these plans and it feels so… I don’t know

When I started seriously dating my partner (bulwark?), there were some adjustments that eased me into the transition. He became a coworker and then a friend to Joe’s brother. My brother-in-law talks to my partner on a regular basis. Joe’s daughter moved in with us for a little while. These things helped me get over the feeling that I was cheating on my marriage.

I don’t have that with Z. I won’t ever have a person to ease myself into a different normal. There won’t be anyone that will take up her station as “daughter” in my life. There won’t be anyone that I can take from that life into this one that will make it okay, give me a sort-of permission to carry on.

I’m cheating on her. Like I was cheating on him. But I can’t cheat on someone that isn’t there. They aren’t there. I’m not cheating. I am not being unfaithful. This is not infidelity. This is weird. I am cheating. I am unfaithful. This is gross.

Cheating is always 0 stars. Would not recommend.