Christmas

I’m leaning into Christmas this year.  So are my mom and dad.

The problem with time is that it keeps coming without regard to my mental capacity or desire to keep going.  I mean we all have that problem, but still.   Christmas is 2.5 weeks away whether I want it or not.

When planning, we had a couple of main options:  quiet Christmas at home and then dinner at my cousin’s house or travel to Wyoming again.  I don’t want to leave my house.  I’ve got emergency action plans at my house.  I’m totally comfortable crying in my own basement if necessary.  I’ve got xanax in my bathroom.  Plus, a quiet Christmas will leave us alone with our thoughts – never a good idea.  A quiet Christmas would have been 5 really sad adults.  Ugh.

Instead, we decided to opt-in to the crazy.  All of my local family is coming over (24 people total) and I’m making a menu and prepping pans and doing oven configurations.  I’m Cleaning out  my house and fretting over china and place markers and the correct amount of alcohol to have on hand.

I’m leaning into Christmas because that’s how I’m going to keep my sanity and my wits about me.

I’m leaning into Christmas because I don’t want to be scared of holidays and events.

I’m leaning into Christmas because the rest of the world doesn’t stop because I don’t feel good.

I’m leaning into Christmas because I’m completely broken and maybe tinsel has restorative properties that I don’t know about.

The thing about leaning into Christmas, though, is that I’m not looking forward to it so much as by doing this I’m yelling into the Universe “Bring It On.  You’ve taken my husband.  You’ve taken my child.  I’m going to take this holiday and chew it up and spit it back”   I’m raging my own personal emotional war on Christmas.  Christmas doesn’t stand a chance.

I’m leaning into Christmas because I’m afraid if I don’t, I won’t be able to come back fully into the world.  I’m leaning into Christmas because really, I’m broken and sad and I don’t know what else to do.

Raging against holidays is weird.  0 stars.  Would not recommend.

 

 

 

 

4 thoughts on “Christmas

  1. Anonymous December 7, 2017 / 12201712America/Detroit

    I am no expert. I have never carried, delivered or lost a child. I do though remember vividly the first Christmas without Jason. We tried for all things different. That way we wouldn’t compare . . .there would be far less moments of “when Jason was here (read alive) he would . . .”. BTW it didn’t exclusively work for all of us (Bridget and Mike’s heart was broken as is yours). Build in time to get away, time that allows you to regroup…”pretending is exhausting”. Allow yourself to be distracted by joy and laughter. Your family miss Izzy too; and they love you without you being in “top form”. Lastly go to mass and cry if you need to. The incense and late night is the perfect excuse for “red eyes”. Good Luck, and many prayers!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. scottjohnsonphotograph December 7, 2017 / 12201712America/Detroit

    I am absolutely positive that She will have the best Christmas of all. So I’ll celebrate the Birth of Christ celebrating in Heaven with Isabella Taco Williams! Could it be any better?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Angie Lemon December 8, 2017 / 12201712America/Detroit

    Hugs and prayers…..

    Liked by 1 person

  4. nickc324 December 8, 2017 / 12201712America/Detroit

    I am glad you are leaning in. I, and many others on here will be thinking of you and hoping you are doing ok. Also, 24 people is a lot to have over. I could not do that, but hopefully it will be good for you. Keep leaning in!

    Liked by 1 person

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