For a bereaved parent and widow, as one would expect, there are good days and there are not so good days. Today was a not so good day. I ended up having to pop a second dose of anti-depressant and buckle up because… wow. It was a doozy.
Trigger warning often get made fun of. People that don’t understand the actual use and importance of trigger warnings tend to eye-roll and make fun. What a trigger warning actually is though, is a warning that you’ll get abnormal information from a place one wouldn’t expect. If you do need a trigger warning – you get it. If you don’t need one – you are a lucky person and I kind of envy you.
Normally on lunch I listen to the NPR interview show “Fresh Air”. I’ve listened to it for nearly 20 years and I love that show. Today they had a musician guest and he sang a very short minute and a half song and I was done*. I couldn’t function at my normal levels for the rest of the work day.
Attn: Terry Gross. Why you godda do that to me? Before lunch I was fine. When I came back to work I was a mess. It’s your fault lady. Why didn’t you give me a warning so that I could cover my ears?
My emotions ended up all over my face. And a little bit on my shirt.
Really, that’s one of the harder things about living with so much profound loss; Never knowing what’s going to be that thing that turns you into a puddle of ineffectiveness. Most of the time I can pull myself back. I challenge myself to suck it up and move along. I can cry later. I am strong and I have a formidable constitution. Sometimes though, those cries just sneak right in and take hold and the only thing I can do is just ride it out.
For the rest of my life I will be broken. Coming to grips with that is as difficult and profound as the losses themselves. Some days I am just as raw as I was at the beginning.
Loss has layers. It stinks. 0 stars. Would not recommend.
*Sam Baker: Go In Peace
Before you press play, consider this your trigger warning. The song will 100% punch you in the feelings. If not, I’m sorry about your cold, dead heart.