Aloe & Moss

I had my first dream about Z last night.

The subject of dreams and those that have passed have come up in my life off and on, like they do among friends.  And last week I’d mentioned it to a friend – that I’ve never dreamed about Z.

I’ve only ever had one dream with Joe which ended deeply unsatisfying and rather upsetting.

I have felt a little cheated in that I’d never had dreams about my husband or child.  I am jealous of those who commune with their grandparents or parents or whatever person they needed to visit.  I’ve heard calming stories of love and peacefulness.  I want that for me.  If I can’t see them in life, if they can’t be near me, I want to be with them at night.  I want my brain to connect with the universe and bring them back to me.  I can be with them in my sleep.

When I told my friend last week that I’ve never had those dreams, she told me I was lucky.  I didn’t understand it.  I am not lucky.  It’s not lucky for me to be robbed in life and then ignored in my dreams as well.  It’s not lucky.

I feel deeply cheated in life, and I feel passingly cheated in sleep as well.

Last night, Z was a part of my dream.  But it wasn’t a “she came to me in my sleep” situation.  Instead, I got straddled with a nightmare and woke Jay up with my screaming.  He, in turn, woke me up.  Pulled me out of the nightmare.

“It’s not okay! It’s not okay!”  It’s what I was screaming in my sleep.  My arms were pinned under me in both life and in my dream.  I can’t rescue those that need rescuing.

After Joe passed, I stared having nightmares about my nieces and my girls dying.  Two or three times a week I’d have to live through those nightmares.  It lasted a couple of months and then they were gone.  It seems this cycle is starting over again.

Maybe it was lucky I hadn’t dreamed of her.

0 stars.  Would not recommend.