What Dreams

I had my first dream about Z last night.

The subject of dreams and those that have passed have come up in my life off and on, like they do among friends.  And last week I’d mentioned it to a friend – that I’ve never dreamed about Z.

I’ve only ever had one dream with Joe which ended deeply unsatisfying and rather upsetting.

I have felt a little cheated in that I’d never had dreams about my husband or child.  I am jealous of those who commune with their grandparents or parents or whatever person they needed to visit.  I’ve heard calming stories of love and peacefulness.  I want that for me.  If I can’t see them in life, if they can’t be near me, I want to be with them at night.  I want my brain to connect with the universe and bring them back to me.  I can be with them in my sleep.

When I told my friend last week that I’ve never had those dreams, she told me I was lucky.  I didn’t understand it.  I am not lucky.  It’s not lucky for me to be robbed in life and then ignored in my dreams as well.  It’s not lucky.

I feel deeply cheated in life, and I feel passingly cheated in sleep as well.

Last night, Z was a part of my dream.  But it wasn’t a “she came to me in my sleep” situation.  Instead, I got straddled with a nightmare and woke Jay up with my screaming.  He, in turn, woke me up.  Pulled me out of the nightmare.

“It’s not okay! It’s not okay!”  It’s what I was screaming in my sleep.  My arms were pinned under me in both life and in my dream.  I can’t rescue those that need rescuing.

After Joe passed, I stared having nightmares about my nieces and my girls dying.  Two or three times a week I’d have to live through those nightmares.  It lasted a couple of months and then they were gone.  It seems this cycle is starting over again.

Maybe it was lucky I hadn’t dreamed of her.

0 stars.  Would not recommend.


6 thoughts on “What Dreams

  1. Silent Hour January 6, 2018 / 120181America/Detroit

    Sometimes I have dreams where I am with people I love and lost. Had one last night, in fact. I was happy in the dream, but when I woke up it was over. So I don’t know… can’t tell if it’s better to never see them again, not even in sleep. Even if seeing them in dreams feels as if everything is as it should be again.


    • Amy January 12, 2018 / 120181America/Detroit

      Exactly. I can’t tell if even the good dreams are worth it when we wake up and leave them behind again.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. scottjohnsonphotograph January 6, 2018 / 120181America/Detroit

    I used to dream about lost people all the time. Yet to have one of Isabella. As time goes by I have less and less dreams about them. Maybe that’s my way of letting go of them.


    • Amy January 12, 2018 / 120181America/Detroit

      Maybe? It’s a mixed bag, you know?


  3. Cindy Cosway January 6, 2018 / 120181America/Detroit

    So unfair. Dreams should be like Netflix. You should get to choose the channel (subject) and genre (love story, drama, action), etc.. If awake is challenging, the least the universe could offer is a an option to choose your channel for sleeping. I’ll put this in the suggestion box. Somewhere. For what it’s worth.


    • Amy January 12, 2018 / 120181America/Detroit

      Actually, I’d appreciate that. A lot.


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