What a friend we have in cheeses

As with most humans, I love cheese.  Love. Cheese.  All dairy, really.  Cold milk?  yum. Sour cream?  Yes, please.  Yogurt?  I think I will.

For my birthday last year, a friend of mine (the mother of my God son) got me an array of fancy cheese.  I work on my night cheese.  I never (ever) turn down cheese.

Over the last 3 or 4 years, I’ve developed lactose intolerance.  I knew it made me gassy, so I just limited myself.  Then the gassy uncomfortable suddenly and abruptly crossed a line.

A week and a half ago I had to call in sick to work because I’d eaten too much cheese the night before.  This past Friday, I couldn’t tolerate the little bit of cheese on my pizza.  Tonight, I had a small glass of Irish Cream and I am writing this post with a terrible stomach ache and cold sweats and I will probably have to throw up soon.

I am certainly trading in my old lactose intolerance for a brand new dairy allergy.

Why have you forsaken me, cheeses?

Normally, a lactose intolerance and sudden (serious) milk issue would be really hard for me to take.  But I would have bucked-up and understood that eating the sweet-sweet semi-soft gift to humans was going to be horrible for my body.

These are not normal times and I am taking this personally.  It’s not an evolution of age,  It’s a personal affront to me and everything I love.

Next year, I’ll probably have to move on from gin, whiskey, and wine too.  And then the year after that I’ll for sure have a sudden cotton allergy.

Probably I’ll always be able to tolerate cleaning products.  Because this is my life now.


Actually, I’m only half joking around about how I feel the universe and all of it’s limitless possibilities are stacked against me.  I kind of am taking this personally.  I really did cry a little when the realization hit that I legit can’t eat any dairy anymore without cold sweats and ripped apart guts.

I am not equating dairy allergy to the loss of my husband or my child.  I am equating dairy allergy to just one more thing, another stone in my shoe, one more joy that I can’t have.  The cheese issue, in and of itself, isn’t comparatively that much of game changer.  The loss of cheese is the emotional straw that I just can’t add to my load right now.

I’m sitting here without cheese and my real question isn’t about dairy.  I really want to know when this will end.  When will the pendulum swing back towards me?  Because I really do need it to come back.   I’m not sure when I will lose my balance, but eventually I will.

Crying about cheese is ridiculous.  0 stars.  Would not recommend.





I’m in that peculiar space where I’ve disassociated (?) my day-to-day life from Z’s passing.  I sometimes forget I am a bereaved parent as though the entire concept is unfamiliar to my life.

Not that I’ve forgotten Z, or that I’ve forgotten that she’s gone – it’s just I’ve boxed that part of my life away from the other parts of my life.  I can’t have all that pain leaking all over everything.  I wouldn’t be able to function if I didn’t.

It’s insulation with an impressive R factor.

I know lots of bereaved parents now.  I mean not lots, but more than people should know.  They kind of start appearing in your life when you lose a child.  It’s not something that is part of idle conversation, so these intimate details don’t get shared until it becomes pertinent.

Most of the time when I talk with someone about their child’s passing my immediate internal reaction is almost always “Oh my goodness… that’s horrible.  I can’t even imagine what they are going through.  Ugh.  This is awful.”

For all of us that have lost children, we have lost them in completely unique ways.   Naturally, the circumstances of death are just as unique and individual as our children.

I ache for the parents of the lost children as though I haven’t lost my own child.   My pain is all neatly boxed up in my heart and in my life; My empathy for their loss isn’t.  It’s just all out there, running amok in space and time and if I catch part of it, my emotions get smeared all over the place.

Analogies are weird, so I’m not even going to try taking one for a spin here.  It’s way too tricky.

Of late, there have been a lot of children’s funerals noted on the news – my heart breaks for their families individually and my thoughts always lob back into the place where I can’t imagine what the parents are going through.

Except I can.  I buried my own child not that long ago.

0 stars.  Would not recommend.

The legacy of an 18 year old

When Joe passed, there wasn’t a rush to fill his void with something.  Mostly it was because he left behind his daughter Lilly.  She is his legacy.  She carries into the world what he couldn’t.

Lilly is Joe’s echo back into the universe.   That’s one of the jobs of our collective children.  They keep our DNA and our spirt chugging along even after we’re gone.   When we sit around campfires reminiscing our lives and general circumstance, we bring back our grandparents and their legacy lives in family stories and our personalities and all sorts of childhood legend.

Z left and her legacy is a little more fragile.   The natural progression through generations is gone.  She doesn’t have the advantage of long life and progeny that would keep stories of life and love alive 100+ years down the road.

I think that realization is starting to bear down on those of us she left behind.  There is a mad scramble to make sure that everyone knows who she was and what she did in our lives.

This past Saturday I wen to the first annual Izzy shoot.  It was coordinated by her archery coach and is part of the St. Mary invitational tournament.  It’s a fun shoot.  The Izzy shoot doesn’t weigh into team standings or personal stats.   Three members of each represented school shoot from each invited team, best score of a possible 120 points wins.

I sat in the bleachers watching these kids move their way through 12 mixed range targets and felt an overwhelming sense of legacy.  I was called out of the stands to give the award to a boy from Hartland, MI.  He didn’t understand the gravity of the situation for me or the St. Mary archery coaches or even the Hartland coach.

The St. Mary kids understood.  They have new uniforms this year.  Z’s name is at the top of the back of each shirt.

Z’s life will be etched into a little piece bronze colored plastic and put into the home of the best shooter at the St. Mary archery invitational for a very (very) long time.

Joe and I have both Lilly and Alex to keep our legacy moving forward.  We’re doing okay – I’m sure the girls will do a fine job understanding what we did as parents and reflecting his spirit (and eventually mine) in the good and proper focus.

I am overwhelmed with what she will continue to leave behind.  Being the winner of an official archery contest isn’t a flash in the pan.  It lasts forever.

The Izzy shoot is 5 stars.   Would recommend everyone attend next year.