Tomorrow is the day. August 16.
My husband’s birthday. The 1st suckaversary of my child’s passing.
Right now, I’m waiting for my partner to meet me in route so we can finish the trip to the UP together. We’ll have a quiet dinner w/ those that happen to be up north. I have a significant amount of alcohol ticked away in my room for this weekend. I have games and (most of) my people.
I’ll be okay.
Really, though, I’ve spent a lot of the day reflecting on the change in perspective a year brings to the bereaved. I will no longer start thoughts with “A year ago I had no idea this would be the last time we…” From now on it will be “A year ago I was mired in the unimaginable.”
Today I ran into a work colleague that, through a series of transfers, I haven’t seen in a couple of years. We business ourselves over the phone or email, but that precludes personal chit-chat. When we were catching up, I mentioned that tomorrow was suckaversary. He shut the door and teared up. “I’m so sorry I didn’t call you. I just didn’t know what to say. I just can’t imagine…”
The truth is that even though I have a year into the bereaved parent column and 8 years in the bereaved spouse column, I’m in the same boat. I still sometimes forget the losses. I’m very good at pretending I just haven’t talked with anyone in a while.
Tomorrow, had the universe shifted a different direction, Joe and I would be celebrating his 48th birthday. I would have teased him relentlessly about nearing 50. He didn’t even hit 40. Tomorrow I would be sending a text message to all our collective girls, reminding them to call their dad.
In a different universe, my life is so wildly different.
Last week it crashed into me that in 18 years (when I will still be in the workforce) Izzy will have been gone longer than she was alive. Already, he has been away from my life longer than we were together.
My life now is just so, so different than the plan.
0 stars. Would not recommend.
(also, I’m not even going to proof-read this. you get what you get)
(lies. I just proofed it up a little)